Saturday, January 14, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Straight from the Padded Cell: Nipples
Straight from the Padded Cell: Nipples: I used to have normal Nipples. That sounds so odd doesn't it? I mean, really, Nipples? Oh for Hell's sake! Its true though. My nipples us...
Friday, January 6, 2012
Blist - 'Be the List'
I fell asleep with the TV on last night. I know, not a tragedy by any sense of the phrase. We have all done it at one time or another, but here's where it gets strange.
As I awoke it was on a channel I never even knew existed, on a volume I would have never been able to go to sleep to and the remote somehow located on the other side of the room far from my tired-tired hands.
Son-of-a-bitch!
Who's cruel joke could this be? Why are they fucking with me while I sleep? If it's aliens, then you can all go to alien hell. If it's ghosts then come back in the morning and mess with me then, at least it would be a fair fight. If you are an evil demon-whatever then you can really go to hell, because I have issues with projectile vomiting, spinning heads, bleeding walls and Priests. My thoughts begin to shoot and race masking my procrastination from getting out of the warm bed on a frigid trek to the remote control.
Yet, what's this? Lo and behold Young Frankenstein was blaring at my eyes and ears with the nights dark slumber surrounding it's glow. Ah, this I can handle, so I watch the movie. You see, it's not that I have insomnia, far from it - I love sleep.
I just have a short attention span.
As my attention strayed from sleeping to the TV volume, getting the remote, returning to sleep toYoung Frankenstein, I now thought to myself: "What other things can I remember form my youth as being really cool, funny or larger that life like this here movie, and, is this movie really as good as I remember it being?" While this list was compiling in my brain from one thing to another - toys, books, movies and fads - my logic chip kicked in, I wish more people had a logic chip, they would be quite a bit more reasonable. By now my list is turning into an abstract thought, which then turns into critical thinking and now . . . . . I must share it with the world.
A retrospect of things gone by and whether or not they have stood the test of time. This is my "kinda list", let's call it a B-List or Blist.
10. Pink Floyd - The Wall
Past Reality: Nothing could have been cooler than The Wall, NOTHING! The music, the references, the story and nothing could beat how 'trippy' it was. And speaking of larger than life! Honestly, was there a trapper keeper out there without hand drawn bricks sketched on it along with the words The Wall ? I would think not.
Current Reality: Not really, I think we were all just psychologically a mess. Great music? Absolutely. But as for the rest of the movie, not really. You peel back the surface and all you really have is an extremely depressing story of abandonment, addiction, sadomasochism and poorly drawn cartoons holding it all together. Keep the album, lose the movie.
9. Ghost Busters
Past Reality: The funniest show to come along ever since Caddy Shack! It's quotable and has all of the makings to become a comedy classic. Now we can watch in on VHS over and over again until the tape wears out or the tracking gets messed up over the funny parts! Totally righteous to the bone!
Current Reality: Hands down, the funniest show to come along ever since Caddy Shack! It's quotable and has all of the makings of a current comedy classic. Now we can watch it on BlueRay over and over again until it becomes obsolete, then we'll just stream it online.
8. ATARI 2600
Past Reality: Wow! look what pong and the Sears gaming system have become! Not only can you participate with 2 players, there are other games too! This is too good to be true, can graphics get better that this? well maybe in the arcade, but never at home. I can play amazing games without ever putting in a quarter and they are starting to theme them and make them after movies. Gnarly dude!
Current Reality: Some of the greatest memories one can have from their childhood, just don't go back and play it. Anyone who says those games are anything but memorabilia and an awesome collectors item are mentally ill - especially if they say they enjoy playing them. Sure, they were the building blocks for future gaming, but so was a peach basket on the rafters for basketball, I don't see anyone rushing back to that.
7. Malls
Past Reality: This is currently the coolest place on the earth, a loiterers dream come true. In fact, I am going to meet my future husband/wife here in the food court and later we will go to the water-park. Phrases like 'gag me with a spoon' or 'I want to have his baby' are the norm and everything ends with 'totally'. Nobody ever buys anything except for Christmas time and it is always crowded. Also, I heard Tiffany is coming here in concert!
Current Reality: Malls? WTF? Why would I go there? they're tearing half of them down anyway. I have all the mall I need at home or on my smartphone. Hell, I could be sitting on the crapper, buy an MP3 and a book, and still have time to figure out the closest place to get some fries. Mall? who needs it? People just get in the way of me getting what I want anyhow.
6. REM
Past Reality: Brilliant. Simply Brilliant. Brilliant musically, artistically and they looked so cool doing it. The whole "college music" scene is exploding and they are riding that wave to super-stardom. Developmental Marketing 101: show up on random east coast campuses and play for small crowds, get your record played on said campuses over and over again and return to play for bigger crowds later. Repeat until you are larger than life itself. Sure they just followed the instructions from a shampoo bottle, but man they sound great doing it.
Current Reality: I have to file this under the "what was I thinking" file, sorry boys. Now, if you disagree with me just go back and listen to Life's Rich Pageant, and then come back to talk to me. Pick any album of theirs and go onto itunes, honestly tell me a song you would want to purchase. If you can go on itunes all excited and then come away with ZERO purchases? Not a good sign. Look at it this way. The music, as "good" as it was, was so marginal that Michael Stipe forgot it all over the years. Why the hell else would he have a music stand up on stage for reference, frequent references, during their later shows? Well, now retired, it looks as though Michael Stipe can hang out with his "friend" Mario Batali more often, Peter Buck can go off an make real music and Mike Mills can do whatever it is Mike Mills does.
5. Dr. Demento
Past Reality: I love to staying up late and listen to this show, oh my hell! Fish heads! bwahahahah! Hopefully tonight he plays that new Weird Al song I have been waiting to hear, I'll be sure to be on standby with my tape recorder to catch it. I heard the show is moving to FM next week too . . . Dr. D. in stereo? I never thought I would see the day.
Current Reality: Do not, under any circumstances go back and listen to this show, your disappointment will be tremendous. It's like this, the three things you never go back to: #1: Old Jobs #2: Old Girlfriends and #3 The Dr. Demento Show.
4. MTV
Past Reality: Music videos 24/7 along with the weekly 120 minutes was television nirvana, pun intended. Liquid TV added in there? Sheer XTC, pun intended. What could be better and how could it be ruined? Sure the new spring break thingies are getting annoying, but everything else is the shit!
Current Reality: If video killed the radio star then reality star killed video television. Thanks to the Real World, MTV plainly became Lame TV and spun off into a television demise that would span all networks. Thinking back, I really do think it was good, really good. It just evolved poorly. The original MTV2? You know, the one they tried to save the old programming with? It was so pretentious and contrived no one wanted to watch it, plus it was impossible to find. Hopefully you have The Cool TV in your market, tune into that.
3. Aerobics and Jazzercise
Past Reality: Honey, am going down to the community spa for my Aerobics class, do you want me to drop you off by the pool? Sure, mom! Of course we had no interest in her Aerobics, Jazzercise was another story. That's where the younger cute chicks were that we spied on after being bored at the pool. Hot dog! But aside from my personal distractions from this the craze of jumping, dancing and groovin' away the pounds, it is crazy popular. But, if you are too nervous to go to a public class just pick up the 20 minute Workout or Jane Fonda on VHS or BETA and do it from home.
Current Reality: We still have Aerobics and Jazzercise, it's called Zumba.
2. Star Wars Holiday Special
Past Reality: Yes! This is so cool! A Christmas special from Star Wars, plus some random, oddly placed guest stars. This is a perfect break from Land of The Lost. And just think, in the future we may have video phones and travel the stars while meeting alien creatures along the way. Go Chewie go! Make it to your family for the Festival of Lights, or whatever it is called.
Current Reality: Wow, what else can I say? Wow. Several things about this entire futuristic tale from the past about the future bothers me tremendously. #1 Starting with the first 10-15 minutes, nothing but Chewbacca's family communicating through grunts, roars, moans and pantomime . . . 10-15 minutes of it, it's awful. #2 If they can contact Luke via closed circuit TV, eavesdrop on the Empire then why the hell could they not get a hold of Chewbacca when he was late for dinner? Technological fail. #3 Why does Chewbacca's Dad have such a terrible underbite? I swear if he were to swallow hard enough he would disappear down his own Wookie gullet. Finally, #4 why is Chewbacca's son so freaking FAT? WHY! WHY? WHY! Wait a minute!!!!!!! What? Chewbacca is married?!?!
1. Top Gun
Past Reality: "I've got the need, the need for speed". What a great movie, where men can be men and fly jets and shoot missiles and get all blown up. Poor Goose. 2 words for this movie, bad ass.
Current Reality: Okay now, what is this? And what is with the homo-erotic volleyball scene? WTF?!? The only thing I can think of that ranks with this movie in homoerotic sub-references is He-Man and the Masters of the Universe or gay porn.
All of that being said, trying to relive old times rarely works out, but sometimes it does. Is that a risk you should be willing to take? Next time, before you get all excited about something old and refer it to someone else check it out first, save yourself the frustration and embarrassment of it sucking.
If I have learned anything from all of this perhaps the past is best left alone, as memories, nothing more.
As I awoke it was on a channel I never even knew existed, on a volume I would have never been able to go to sleep to and the remote somehow located on the other side of the room far from my tired-tired hands.
Son-of-a-bitch!
Who's cruel joke could this be? Why are they fucking with me while I sleep? If it's aliens, then you can all go to alien hell. If it's ghosts then come back in the morning and mess with me then, at least it would be a fair fight. If you are an evil demon-whatever then you can really go to hell, because I have issues with projectile vomiting, spinning heads, bleeding walls and Priests. My thoughts begin to shoot and race masking my procrastination from getting out of the warm bed on a frigid trek to the remote control.
Yet, what's this? Lo and behold Young Frankenstein was blaring at my eyes and ears with the nights dark slumber surrounding it's glow. Ah, this I can handle, so I watch the movie. You see, it's not that I have insomnia, far from it - I love sleep.
I just have a short attention span.
As my attention strayed from sleeping to the TV volume, getting the remote, returning to sleep toYoung Frankenstein, I now thought to myself: "What other things can I remember form my youth as being really cool, funny or larger that life like this here movie, and, is this movie really as good as I remember it being?" While this list was compiling in my brain from one thing to another - toys, books, movies and fads - my logic chip kicked in, I wish more people had a logic chip, they would be quite a bit more reasonable. By now my list is turning into an abstract thought, which then turns into critical thinking and now . . . . . I must share it with the world.
A retrospect of things gone by and whether or not they have stood the test of time. This is my "kinda list", let's call it a B-List or Blist.
10. Pink Floyd - The Wall
Past Reality: Nothing could have been cooler than The Wall, NOTHING! The music, the references, the story and nothing could beat how 'trippy' it was. And speaking of larger than life! Honestly, was there a trapper keeper out there without hand drawn bricks sketched on it along with the words The Wall ? I would think not.
Current Reality: Not really, I think we were all just psychologically a mess. Great music? Absolutely. But as for the rest of the movie, not really. You peel back the surface and all you really have is an extremely depressing story of abandonment, addiction, sadomasochism and poorly drawn cartoons holding it all together. Keep the album, lose the movie.
9. Ghost Busters
Past Reality: The funniest show to come along ever since Caddy Shack! It's quotable and has all of the makings to become a comedy classic. Now we can watch in on VHS over and over again until the tape wears out or the tracking gets messed up over the funny parts! Totally righteous to the bone!
Current Reality: Hands down, the funniest show to come along ever since Caddy Shack! It's quotable and has all of the makings of a current comedy classic. Now we can watch it on BlueRay over and over again until it becomes obsolete, then we'll just stream it online.
8. ATARI 2600
Past Reality: Wow! look what pong and the Sears gaming system have become! Not only can you participate with 2 players, there are other games too! This is too good to be true, can graphics get better that this? well maybe in the arcade, but never at home. I can play amazing games without ever putting in a quarter and they are starting to theme them and make them after movies. Gnarly dude!
Current Reality: Some of the greatest memories one can have from their childhood, just don't go back and play it. Anyone who says those games are anything but memorabilia and an awesome collectors item are mentally ill - especially if they say they enjoy playing them. Sure, they were the building blocks for future gaming, but so was a peach basket on the rafters for basketball, I don't see anyone rushing back to that.
7. Malls
Past Reality: This is currently the coolest place on the earth, a loiterers dream come true. In fact, I am going to meet my future husband/wife here in the food court and later we will go to the water-park. Phrases like 'gag me with a spoon' or 'I want to have his baby' are the norm and everything ends with 'totally'. Nobody ever buys anything except for Christmas time and it is always crowded. Also, I heard Tiffany is coming here in concert!
Current Reality: Malls? WTF? Why would I go there? they're tearing half of them down anyway. I have all the mall I need at home or on my smartphone. Hell, I could be sitting on the crapper, buy an MP3 and a book, and still have time to figure out the closest place to get some fries. Mall? who needs it? People just get in the way of me getting what I want anyhow.
6. REM
Past Reality: Brilliant. Simply Brilliant. Brilliant musically, artistically and they looked so cool doing it. The whole "college music" scene is exploding and they are riding that wave to super-stardom. Developmental Marketing 101: show up on random east coast campuses and play for small crowds, get your record played on said campuses over and over again and return to play for bigger crowds later. Repeat until you are larger than life itself. Sure they just followed the instructions from a shampoo bottle, but man they sound great doing it.
Current Reality: I have to file this under the "what was I thinking" file, sorry boys. Now, if you disagree with me just go back and listen to Life's Rich Pageant, and then come back to talk to me. Pick any album of theirs and go onto itunes, honestly tell me a song you would want to purchase. If you can go on itunes all excited and then come away with ZERO purchases? Not a good sign. Look at it this way. The music, as "good" as it was, was so marginal that Michael Stipe forgot it all over the years. Why the hell else would he have a music stand up on stage for reference, frequent references, during their later shows? Well, now retired, it looks as though Michael Stipe can hang out with his "friend" Mario Batali more often, Peter Buck can go off an make real music and Mike Mills can do whatever it is Mike Mills does.
5. Dr. Demento
Past Reality: I love to staying up late and listen to this show, oh my hell! Fish heads! bwahahahah! Hopefully tonight he plays that new Weird Al song I have been waiting to hear, I'll be sure to be on standby with my tape recorder to catch it. I heard the show is moving to FM next week too . . . Dr. D. in stereo? I never thought I would see the day.
Current Reality: Do not, under any circumstances go back and listen to this show, your disappointment will be tremendous. It's like this, the three things you never go back to: #1: Old Jobs #2: Old Girlfriends and #3 The Dr. Demento Show.
4. MTV
Past Reality: Music videos 24/7 along with the weekly 120 minutes was television nirvana, pun intended. Liquid TV added in there? Sheer XTC, pun intended. What could be better and how could it be ruined? Sure the new spring break thingies are getting annoying, but everything else is the shit!
Current Reality: If video killed the radio star then reality star killed video television. Thanks to the Real World, MTV plainly became Lame TV and spun off into a television demise that would span all networks. Thinking back, I really do think it was good, really good. It just evolved poorly. The original MTV2? You know, the one they tried to save the old programming with? It was so pretentious and contrived no one wanted to watch it, plus it was impossible to find. Hopefully you have The Cool TV in your market, tune into that.
3. Aerobics and Jazzercise
Past Reality: Honey, am going down to the community spa for my Aerobics class, do you want me to drop you off by the pool? Sure, mom! Of course we had no interest in her Aerobics, Jazzercise was another story. That's where the younger cute chicks were that we spied on after being bored at the pool. Hot dog! But aside from my personal distractions from this the craze of jumping, dancing and groovin' away the pounds, it is crazy popular. But, if you are too nervous to go to a public class just pick up the 20 minute Workout or Jane Fonda on VHS or BETA and do it from home.
Current Reality: We still have Aerobics and Jazzercise, it's called Zumba.
2. Star Wars Holiday Special
Past Reality: Yes! This is so cool! A Christmas special from Star Wars, plus some random, oddly placed guest stars. This is a perfect break from Land of The Lost. And just think, in the future we may have video phones and travel the stars while meeting alien creatures along the way. Go Chewie go! Make it to your family for the Festival of Lights, or whatever it is called.
Current Reality: Wow, what else can I say? Wow. Several things about this entire futuristic tale from the past about the future bothers me tremendously. #1 Starting with the first 10-15 minutes, nothing but Chewbacca's family communicating through grunts, roars, moans and pantomime . . . 10-15 minutes of it, it's awful. #2 If they can contact Luke via closed circuit TV, eavesdrop on the Empire then why the hell could they not get a hold of Chewbacca when he was late for dinner? Technological fail. #3 Why does Chewbacca's Dad have such a terrible underbite? I swear if he were to swallow hard enough he would disappear down his own Wookie gullet. Finally, #4 why is Chewbacca's son so freaking FAT? WHY! WHY? WHY! Wait a minute!!!!!!! What? Chewbacca is married?!?!
1. Top Gun
Past Reality: "I've got the need, the need for speed". What a great movie, where men can be men and fly jets and shoot missiles and get all blown up. Poor Goose. 2 words for this movie, bad ass.
Current Reality: Okay now, what is this? And what is with the homo-erotic volleyball scene? WTF?!? The only thing I can think of that ranks with this movie in homoerotic sub-references is He-Man and the Masters of the Universe or gay porn.
All of that being said, trying to relive old times rarely works out, but sometimes it does. Is that a risk you should be willing to take? Next time, before you get all excited about something old and refer it to someone else check it out first, save yourself the frustration and embarrassment of it sucking.
If I have learned anything from all of this perhaps the past is best left alone, as memories, nothing more.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Great, in every sense of the world
Sources leaked: center of the universe revealed to be an extremely arrogant "White Hole".
A self professed expert in everything universal and the "supremest of all supremacy" - The center of the universe has a reflectful aura, quite literally, and as the only known "White Hole" in the universe, very little is known about it scientifically.
"All we know about this astronomical anomaly is that it is extremely reflective" says Dr. S Jedderwidjin, head of Astrological Studies, Cal San Bernadino. "The best we can say is, that instead of absorbing masses and light surrounding it, it's completely expelled".
The Center of the universe was not readily available for comment, however, did release this statement:
"Yep, that's me alright, reflecting light and whatnot around. You see, the universe itself is not as big as these puny scientists think, frankly it's rather small. I'd say 3/4ths the size they speculate, that's what I find so humorous. I am so friggin' reflective, in fact, that the reflections of reflections within themselves seem to span for lightyears. Those aren't other solar systems that your looking at out there, it's just you, reflecting back at yourself about a bazillion times. One thing though, there's an end to it alright, an end that begins with me. It all freaking begins and ends with me ... I'm the center of the damn universe!"
This is a loose translation however, this language is so complex that it sounds roughly like a Sara Brightman song, only with lyrics and musical notes that you would not understand.
It's clearly as though it exists on a different plane.
A baffled Dr. Jedderwidjin states: "We plan on learning as much as we can about this [White] Hole in due time, the only problem is that it's so difficult to work with." He adds - "We liken it to a cross between an inverted black hole, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson, only without the unpredictable violence".
Until we understand more about this Great White Astrological Hole, briefly known as the 'Great White A. Hole Expandus', we can just look to the stars and dream a hope - hope and dream of a greater understanding.
A self professed expert in everything universal and the "supremest of all supremacy" - The center of the universe has a reflectful aura, quite literally, and as the only known "White Hole" in the universe, very little is known about it scientifically.
"All we know about this astronomical anomaly is that it is extremely reflective" says Dr. S Jedderwidjin, head of Astrological Studies, Cal San Bernadino. "The best we can say is, that instead of absorbing masses and light surrounding it, it's completely expelled".
The Center of the universe was not readily available for comment, however, did release this statement:
"Yep, that's me alright, reflecting light and whatnot around. You see, the universe itself is not as big as these puny scientists think, frankly it's rather small. I'd say 3/4ths the size they speculate, that's what I find so humorous. I am so friggin' reflective, in fact, that the reflections of reflections within themselves seem to span for lightyears. Those aren't other solar systems that your looking at out there, it's just you, reflecting back at yourself about a bazillion times. One thing though, there's an end to it alright, an end that begins with me. It all freaking begins and ends with me ... I'm the center of the damn universe!"
This is a loose translation however, this language is so complex that it sounds roughly like a Sara Brightman song, only with lyrics and musical notes that you would not understand.
It's clearly as though it exists on a different plane.
A baffled Dr. Jedderwidjin states: "We plan on learning as much as we can about this [White] Hole in due time, the only problem is that it's so difficult to work with." He adds - "We liken it to a cross between an inverted black hole, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson, only without the unpredictable violence".
Until we understand more about this Great White Astrological Hole, briefly known as the 'Great White A. Hole Expandus', we can just look to the stars and dream a hope - hope and dream of a greater understanding.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Dawning of 2012
Here we are at the dawning of the new year, as I reflect . . . Okay, now that's over with, let's move on.
2012, potentially the end of the world, the last days. This, according to the Mayan calendar is the modern paradigm, the thought process if you were - but 'I'm-a gonna looks at it this-a ways'. To start, our society dumps a lot of money and credibility into this kind of potential famine. We have to, it's in our nature. Panic is brought on by what is unknown, this is well documented and dates back centuries. "Oh my hell! Here is something we do not understand! Well, let's sacrifice another virgin" - thereafter, the virgin is sacrificed and all is right with the world. Now-a-days we are more sophisticated in our panic and means to panic. Sacrifices are no longer practiced and we are far more advanced, right? We have technology to prove it. Or is it that we use technology to enhance it and utilize it's reach exacerbating the panic, spreading the panic, televising the panic, forcing the issue and sharing the horror! We develop television programs, watch the programs, talk about the programs and sheepishly agree with the programs! Read the papers, the articles, the blogs, visit the sites, our beloved news programs! - all the while remaining calm? What the fuck?!?
Shit!
Whew, pardon the poor sentence structure and punctuation there, I got all panicy within this reflection. So, with all that said, I better get to my point before I stroke.
I vividly remember and survived y2k. 12 years ago, times were much simpler and more pure right? Whatever. As a survivor, life continued on, my computer at work reset to 1986 and I set it forward - with no end in sight I sobbed: "How could you do this to me?" I cried, "if I had known I would have taken 1999 more seriously."
Having this past experience under my belt allows me to be more knowledgeable, balanced and wise. No longer will I panic at the foreseen demise if mankind, I shall be logical and calm in the face of adversity during these end of times. So, logically, I did some research.
The Gregorian calendar is off, yep, off. Probably by a couple if decades, plus or minus, in some direction. So there is a 50/50 chance your end of times has since past or hasn't yet occurred, either way: win/win. Every year the Gregorian calendar ends and the next day, it starts over. Perhaps the Mayan calendar just 'starts over'? I Dunno, just a thought. The Mayan people were great, this is true. Great astronomers, engineers and architects, this is historically proven. However, not so great when the Spaniards came to visit, and oh yes, do I need to revisit the ritualistic sacrifices et al? And finally my research brings me to modern times, my phone. Our newfangled modern communication devices that double as our computers and 'master schedulers'. By the way, there is a calendar on there, and mine ends on December 31, 2037 - oh my. So here is to the new end of modern civilization: 2037! I will be sure to alert the media.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Cee Lo Green - F**k you!
Mr. Green, as you so eloquently stated in your widely successful hit single, I offer a sincere fuck you! You were given what many artists would consider a great honor, performing the interlude to the traditional "dropping if the crystal ball." Instead you extended your arm with a fully, might I add chubby, middle finger. Not only butchering one of the greatest and most recognizable songs of a generation but, oh yeah, changing four integral lyrics how you saw fit. Shame on you Sir. You are a freaking artist yourself, have you no shame? Not only did you disrupt the entire meaning of the song, you stepped all over John Lennons legacy by your rewriting Imagine. Your intentions and insertion of "all religion is true" is not only a slap in the face but a forced injection on an inappropriate platform. I give you your rights and freedoms of speech and religion, but how about after your performance? Imagine is not your song to edit how you see fit.
I understand that you went on twitter with a "I don't understand what the big deal is" tweet (nice apology by the way). Well, if you don't understand what the big deal is then you are clearly the most self absorbed, self serving asshole on the face of this planet. You mock the very industry you represented, the property you purposely defaced was not yours to begin with. Again I echo my earlier statement: Mr. Cee Lo Green, fuck you!
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