My Jesus can beat up your Jesus can beat up Evolution.

A guy asked me the other day: "have you found Jesus?"

I respond to him: "Why? Is he lost?"

Which got me to thinking.  If you were to put every Jesus together in a winner takes all fight, who would win?

Would it be white and tall Jesus, pre-existent Jesus, Hebrew Jesus, perhaps Jesus Christo?  There are so many incarnations of Jesus, what he looks like, who he is and what he stands for that a question on finding him is truly unanswerable.

Therefore, I propose, the only true answer to that question: put them all together and let them fight it out.

He who cast the first stone, right?  Well, maybe. 

This would perhaps be the highlander of the Jesi - and, another probability on the second coming being so damned delayed is that the battle exists at this given time and - there can be only one.

Only problem - Jesus is reinvented quite frequently, and is evolving at a very rapid rate, therefore, a new battle contestant is entered into the royal rumble fairly often. 

Whoa there! 

Did I just say that Jesus evolves?

Uh, yeah ... I did.

The evolution of Jesus - It kind of goes against all Christian teachings and single track-mindedness.  Nothing evolves after all, NOTHING!

Not Darwin's finches, not mankind, not the earth, and surely enough, not Jesus. 

Okay then, how about you look at a portrait of his likeness over the centuries and - hmm.

Thus said, in his 33 years of not being a zombie could his appearance have changed so much, his teachings been altered or made up over and over again on top of getting plastic surgery, skin pigmentation therapy, haircuts, beard trims and grow several inches.

Either Jesus is a Highlander or Michael Jackson -  which finishes with 2 thoughts.

1:  If Michael Jackson comes back to life, be afraid; and,

2: There can only be one.

Life in Stereo

So I am sitting in a fast food restaurant with a buddy of mine, basically making fun of anything that walks in, around or near our field of vision - now, he and I have a thing, not for each other mind you, god this is not that kind of story .. anyway, we have a thing, 'do not make eye contact with unsavory types and unsavory types won't mess with you' ...

It kinda works.

Really -

Except for this instance.

A couple of gang banging bros walk into the place, all hard and shit. A bandana is pulled down over the top half of ones eyes, baggy pants, denim jackets ... you know the drill - well, they POP the double doors open with authority and start checking the place out - sizing it up I guess.

So enters our 'thing'.

Unfortunately, I panic.  Not quite sure what to do I look directly at them. What can I say? I fucking panicked - not just a look though, enough to draw attention to myself - oh god, I think - this is where I die.

Well homie number one and homie number two lock eyes with me and abruptly start walking towards me - on a mission .... I swallow, and take what may be my last breath.

Homie number one, hand in pocket, with the other on his belt with his thumb in his pants, starts talking while quickly pulling his hand out of his pocket to point at me like a handgun held sideways.

"Do you drive a white PT Cruiser?" he says with menacing body language.

"Uh, no?" Says I reluctantly.

"Oh man," he says, truly bummed he continues, "That's okay I guess, there is just one in the parking lot with its lights on, I mean ... I would hate it if someone were to get back to their car and the battery is dead - I know people don't stay in here for long but you never know."

And they walked on to the next table.

What the fuck?

I guess we don't die today.

It works, or not - vol. I

As a writer and citizen, there comes a time to branch out - this is what's commonly referred to as branching or branched or branches, but sometimes branchered.

Today I am starting a new segment to my blog as a public service - this will be under the moniker "it works, or not" - I hope you, as readers and public citizens as well, can get some use out of this service.

Today's thought:

If you have a recipe that calls for lemon, but have no lemon - no worry.

Just substitute the lemon for yellow gummi bears - one bear per tablespoon ought to do the trick.

It works, or not.

Blist - 'Be the List'

I fell asleep with the TV on last night.  I know, not a tragedy by any sense of the phrase. We have all done it at one time or another, but here's where it gets strange.

As I awoke it was on a channel I never even knew existed, on a volume I would have never been able to go to sleep to and the remote somehow located on the other side of the room far from my tired-tired hands.

Son-of-a-bitch!

Who's cruel joke could this be? Why are they fucking with me while I sleep?  If it's aliens, then you can all go to alien hell.  If it's ghosts then come back in the morning and mess with me then, at least it would be a fair fight. If you are an evil demon-whatever then you can really go to hell, because I have issues with projectile vomiting, spinning heads, bleeding walls and Priests. My thoughts begin to shoot and race masking my procrastination from getting out of the warm bed on a frigid trek to the remote control.

Yet, what's this? Lo and behold Young Frankenstein was blaring at my eyes and ears with the nights dark slumber surrounding it's glow.  Ah, this I can handle, so I watch the movie. You see, it's not that I have insomnia, far from it - I love sleep.

I just have a short attention span.

As my attention strayed from sleeping to the TV volume, getting the remote, returning to sleep toYoung Frankenstein, I now thought to myself: "What other things can I remember form my youth as being really cool, funny or larger that life like this here movie, and, is this movie really as good as I remember it being?"  While this list was compiling in my brain from one thing to another - toys, books, movies and fads - my logic chip kicked in, I wish more people had a logic chip, they would be quite a bit more reasonable. By now my list is turning into an abstract thought, which then turns into critical thinking and now . . . . . I must share it with the world.

A retrospect of things gone by and whether or not they have stood the test of time. This is my "kinda list", let's call it a B-List or Blist.

10. Pink Floyd - The Wall
   
Past Reality: Nothing could have been cooler than The Wall, NOTHING!  The music, the references, the story and nothing could beat how 'trippy' it was.  And speaking of larger than life!  Honestly, was there a trapper keeper out there without hand drawn bricks sketched on it along with the words The Wall ? I would think not.

Current Reality:  Not really, I think we were all just psychologically a mess. Great music? Absolutely. But as for the rest of the movie, not really. You peel back the surface and all you really have is an extremely depressing story of abandonment, addiction, sadomasochism and poorly drawn cartoons holding it all together. Keep the album, lose the movie.

9. Ghost Busters

Past Reality: The funniest show to come along ever since Caddy Shack! It's quotable and has all of the makings to become a comedy classic. Now we can watch in on VHS over and over again until the tape wears out or the tracking gets messed up over the funny parts! Totally righteous to the bone!

Current Reality: Hands down, the funniest show to come along ever since Caddy Shack! It's quotable and has all of the makings of a current comedy classic. Now we can watch it on BlueRay over and over again until it becomes obsolete, then we'll just stream it online.

8. ATARI 2600


Past Reality: Wow! look what pong and the Sears gaming system have become! Not only can you participate with 2 players, there are other games too! This is too good to be true, can graphics get better that this? well maybe in the arcade, but never at home. I can play amazing games without ever putting in a quarter and they are starting to theme them and make them after movies. Gnarly dude!

Current Reality: Some of the greatest memories one can have from their childhood, just don't go back and play it.  Anyone who says those games are anything but memorabilia and an awesome collectors item are mentally ill - especially if they say they enjoy playing them. Sure, they were the building blocks for future gaming, but so was a peach basket on the rafters for basketball, I don't see anyone rushing back to that.

7. Malls


Past Reality: This is currently the coolest place on the earth, a loiterers dream come true. In fact, I am going to meet my future husband/wife here in the food court and later we will go to the water-park.  Phrases like 'gag me with a spoon' or 'I want to have his baby' are the norm and everything ends with 'totally'. Nobody ever buys anything except for Christmas time and it is always crowded. Also, I heard Tiffany is coming here in concert!

Current Reality: Malls? WTF? Why would I go there? they're tearing half of them down anyway. I have all the mall I need at home or on my smartphone. Hell, I could be sitting on the crapper, buy an MP3 and a book, and still have time to figure out the closest place to get some fries.  Mall? who needs it? People just get in the way of me getting what I want anyhow.

6. REM


Past Reality: Brilliant. Simply Brilliant. Brilliant musically, artistically and they looked so cool doing it. The whole "college music" scene is exploding and they are riding that wave to super-stardom. Developmental Marketing 101: show up on random east coast campuses and play for small crowds, get your record played on said campuses over and over again and return to play for bigger crowds later.  Repeat until you are larger than life itself.  Sure they just followed the instructions from a shampoo bottle, but man they sound great doing it.

Current Reality: I have to file this under the "what was I thinking" file, sorry boys. Now, if you disagree with me just go back and listen to Life's Rich Pageant, and then come back to talk to me. Pick any album of theirs and go onto itunes, honestly tell me a song you would want to purchase. If you can go on itunes all excited and then come away with ZERO purchases? Not a good sign. Look at it this way. The music, as "good" as it was, was so marginal that Michael Stipe forgot it all over the years. Why the hell else would he have a music stand up on stage for reference, frequent references, during their later shows? Well, now retired, it looks as though Michael Stipe can hang out with his "friend" Mario Batali more often, Peter Buck can go off an make real music and Mike Mills can do whatever it is Mike Mills does.

5. Dr. Demento


Past Reality: I love to staying up late and listen to this show, oh my hell! Fish heads! bwahahahah! Hopefully tonight he plays that new Weird Al song I have been waiting to hear, I'll be sure to be on standby with my tape recorder to catch it. I heard the show is moving to FM next week too . . . Dr. D. in stereo? I never thought I would see the day.

Current Reality: Do not, under any circumstances go back and listen to this show, your disappointment will be tremendous. It's like this, the three things you never go back to: #1: Old Jobs #2: Old Girlfriends and #3 The Dr. Demento Show.

4. MTV


Past Reality: Music videos 24/7 along with the weekly 120 minutes was television nirvana, pun intended.  Liquid TV added in there? Sheer XTC, pun intended.  What could be better and how could it be ruined? Sure the new spring break thingies are getting annoying, but everything else is the shit!

Current Reality: If video killed the radio star then reality star killed video television. Thanks to the Real World, MTV plainly became Lame TV and spun off into a television demise that would span all networks. Thinking back, I really do think it was good, really good. It just evolved poorly. The original MTV2? You know, the one they tried to save the old programming with? It was so pretentious and contrived no one wanted to watch it, plus it was impossible to find. Hopefully you have The Cool TV in your market, tune into that.

3. Aerobics and Jazzercise

Past Reality: Honey, am going down to the community spa for my Aerobics class, do you want me to drop you off by the pool? Sure, mom! Of course we had no interest in her Aerobics, Jazzercise was another story.  That's where the younger cute chicks were that we spied on after being bored at the pool. Hot dog! But aside from my personal distractions from this the craze of jumping, dancing and groovin' away the pounds, it is crazy popular. But, if you are too nervous to go to a public class just pick up the 20 minute Workout or Jane Fonda on VHS or BETA and do it from home.

Current Reality: We still have Aerobics and Jazzercise, it's called Zumba.

2. Star Wars Holiday Special


Past Reality: Yes! This is so cool! A Christmas special from Star Wars, plus some random, oddly placed guest stars. This is a perfect break from Land of The Lost.  And just think, in the future we may have video phones and travel the stars while meeting alien creatures along the way. Go Chewie go! Make it to your family for the Festival of Lights, or whatever it is called.

Current Reality: Wow, what else can I say? Wow. Several things about this entire futuristic tale from the past about the future bothers me tremendously. #1 Starting with the first 10-15 minutes, nothing but Chewbacca's family communicating through grunts, roars, moans and pantomime . . . 10-15 minutes of it, it's awful. #2 If they can contact Luke via closed circuit TV, eavesdrop on the Empire then why the hell could they not get a hold of Chewbacca when he was late for dinner? Technological fail.  #3 Why does Chewbacca's Dad have such a terrible underbite? I swear if he were to swallow hard enough he would disappear down his own Wookie gullet. Finally, #4 why is Chewbacca's son so freaking FAT? WHY! WHY? WHY! Wait a minute!!!!!!! What? Chewbacca is married?!?!

1. Top Gun


Past Reality: "I've got the need, the need for speed". What a great movie, where men can be men and fly jets and shoot missiles and get all blown up. Poor Goose. 2 words for this movie, bad ass.

Current Reality: Okay now, what is this? And what is with the homo-erotic volleyball scene? WTF?!? The only thing I can think of that ranks with this movie in homoerotic sub-references is He-Man and the Masters of the Universe or gay porn.

All of that being said, trying to relive old times rarely works out, but sometimes it does. Is that a risk you should be willing to take? Next time, before you get all excited about something old and refer it to someone else check it out first, save yourself the frustration and embarrassment of it sucking.

If I have learned anything from all of this perhaps the past is best left alone, as memories, nothing more.

Dawning of 2012

Here we are at the dawning of the new year, as I reflect . . . Okay, now that's over with, let's move on.

2012, potentially the end of the world, the last days. This, according to the Mayan calendar is the modern paradigm, the thought process if you were - but 'I'm-a gonna looks at it this-a ways'. To start, our society dumps a lot of money and credibility into this kind of potential famine. We have to, it's in our nature. Panic is brought on by what is unknown, this is well documented and dates back centuries.  "Oh my hell! Here is something we do not understand! Well, let's sacrifice another virgin" - thereafter, the virgin is sacrificed and all is right with the world. Now-a-days we are more sophisticated in our panic and means to panic. Sacrifices are no longer practiced and we are far more advanced, right? We have technology to prove it. Or is it that we use technology to enhance it and utilize it's reach exacerbating the panic, spreading the panic, televising the panic, forcing the issue and sharing the horror! We develop television programs, watch the programs, talk about the programs and sheepishly agree with the programs! Read the papers, the articles, the blogs, visit the sites, our beloved news programs! - all the while remaining calm? What the fuck?!?

Shit!

Whew, pardon the poor sentence structure and punctuation there, I got all panicy within this reflection. So, with all that said, I better get to my point before I stroke.

I vividly remember and survived y2k. 12 years ago, times were much simpler and more pure right? Whatever. As a survivor, life continued on, my computer at work reset to 1986 and I set it forward - with no end in sight I sobbed: "How could you do this to me?" I cried, "if I had known I would have taken 1999 more seriously."

Having this past experience under my belt allows me to be more knowledgeable, balanced and wise. No longer will I panic at the foreseen demise if mankind, I shall be logical and calm in the face of adversity during these end of times. So, logically, I did some research.

The Gregorian calendar is off, yep, off. Probably by a couple if decades, plus or minus, in some direction. So there is a 50/50 chance your end of times has since past or hasn't yet occurred, either way: win/win. Every year the Gregorian calendar ends and the next day, it starts over. Perhaps the Mayan calendar just 'starts over'? I Dunno, just a thought. The Mayan people were great, this is true. Great astronomers, engineers and architects, this is historically proven. However, not so great when the Spaniards came to visit, and oh yes, do I need to revisit the ritualistic sacrifices et al? And finally my research brings me to modern times, my phone. Our newfangled modern communication devices that double as our computers and 'master schedulers'. By the way, there is a calendar on there, and mine ends on December 31, 2037 - oh my. So here is to the new end of modern civilization: 2037! I will be sure to alert the media.

Mind your P's and Q's

They say that chicken breast is arguably the best protein from the animal kingdom and some argue that the egg is considered the "perfect" food.  If this is the case then why are chickens so damn stupid?  I have a theory to this. 

Any food animal, or FA, that is remotely delicious is lacking in smarts and intelligence and therefore must, by rule, be consumed by higher intelligence.  Ponder this: cows are stupid.  This statement should be followed by, 'and that is why they are delicious'. This can be interchanged with various beasts, tame or wild, feral or domestic, it does not matter stupid is as stupid does and stupid is G-D delicious (or GDD aka GD squared or GD2). 

So with the FA being GD2 let's explore some taboo animals, otherwise refered as T&A.  Land creatures such as bears, large cats, wolves and rhinoceros', just to name a few, are not GD2 for the simple reason that they can eat you or kill you with ease.  Sea creatures like sharks, whale, giant squid and deadly jelly fish also are not ever considered GD2 for the same reasons.  With an exception of the Eskimo and whale, but you can come to your own conclusion to that.  Also, animals that can eat you should not be eaten, period.  That is just tempting a chain reaction of biblical catastrophes of catastrophe, so don't do it EVER.

So to summarize: FA = GDD, GD2 and GD squared as to where T&A consumption should NEVER be tolerated or committed, unless you like to tempt the beast, then okay ... I'm not stopping you, just mind your FAT&A P's and Q's. 

Bad ass mofo

Yes indeed, dating back to my childhood I had a problem, that problem was the word pigeon. Well, pigeons the word pigeon and cows to be precise, but the main adversary being the word pigeon.  I would refer to pigeons by anything but their proper names: "shit birds" - "rats with feathers" - "urban hackey sack", literally anything but their proper name.  Not entirely for the disdain, sheer hatred or the like, but rather the fact I could not pronounce the word itself. Pigeon, simple enough, right? One would think. 

So, having avoided the word altogether my entire youth, save the occasions that my family would make me say it to 'eff with me and laugh,  the word would come out: "PINGEON".  Sound it out with me PINGE-UN, pretty impaired I must say.  Now, avoiding my word issue poses another perplexity, this very problem following me from the shadows of youth into adulthood.  Yes, up until the time I was twenty-five I continued to pronounce the word pigeon as pingeon.  Not until a Speech Therapy intervention did I kick the pingeon pronunciation for good.  However, the more I tried the worse it got, the more nervous I became the worse it got, the therapist made me recite vowels and sounds.  Hell, she even made me pronounce words with a button in my mouth.  But finally I kicked the pingeon, literally kicked the pingeon for good.

Fast forward untill today.  Minding my own business, driving down one of the many high-ways and by-ways of this fine land I spot it out of the corner of my eye, the periphery mind you, something.  Something indeed.  Now, having just left a two hour defensive driving training I came very well prepared for such an occurance.  "I got this", I think to myself, having just learned that all one needs to know on tackling such a daunting task. I learned today that turning your head 12 degrees one can gain full sight of an object to the side, therefore, I naturally swivel my head an entire 90 degrees with cat like reflexes.  This "something" or other being none other than, yes, a pingeon flying directly towards my opened window at 70mph.  How do I deal with such a conundrum? Do I reflect back on my recent defensive driving lessons? Do I pull knowledge from the archives of my drivers education classes from high-school?  Do I allow said bird fly amok inside of my ride? No, no and no.  I go full on ninja style kung fu and punch that shit-bird with a piggy hi-yah in mid flight permanently altering its path towards the open window, resulting in what one may call an epiphany of badassery, otherwise known as a feather explosion.  All the while keeping to my intended route unscathed, with feathers hugging the aerodynamics of German engineering I continue on my way.  Crisis averted and none worse the wear, this situation resulted in something I already know, I am one bad ass mofo, a bad ass ninja-kung fu mofo.