Theory of a Straight Man

The Supreme Court just ruled in favor of same sex marriage, making it a right for all - possibly the most controversial and impactful rulings of a generation. Love is love, right? I say yes. Who is to say who can get married to whom? Not I, and now, not our legal system.. Kudos USA.

Here's my quandary.

People like to belong to a cause, it gives them purpose. What better cause than same sex marriage for the LGBT community. Makes sense, right? Of course it does.

That cause is officially gone, hopefully forever - but that raises a thought…. And…….

My question is:

How many gays and lesbians actually 'want' to get married and how many partners say they 'want' to get married to be a part of the cause?

My theory is not all want to be married and the cause is now officially gone.

There may be a chance that this ruling is detrimental to many relationships by the simple fact that not everyone in a relationship wants to get married. This doubles itself to the many marriages that may happen out of impulse, this is America after all, the land of impulsiveness.

OK.

#1 quandary: how many relationships will now officially end because they were married to the idea of being married, but one partner may not actually want to be or get married in the first place? We all have used the bullshit excuse of: "I'd like to do that, but we can't" because of any myriad of reasons. Rules, laws, cost, impracticality…. These 'cop outs' get us out of a jam with our partners and friends… that protection is no longer there. People who really don't want to be married in the first place will be officially exposed, creating some potentially awkward or difficult situations.

Uh oh.

Perhaps a mass break up, or annulments are bleakly inherent in the future.

#2 quandary: impulsive marriages. This is the one that conservative talk show hosts are going to be keeping their eye on. They'll be quoting statistics and dragging the bottom for proof that they were right all along about traditional marriage being between a man and a woman. I'm not spinning this as a conservative or liberal thing, since I am neither, but…….

What is traditional marriage? Marriage is much different now than it was in the 50's, let alone to when Jesus or Moses were wondering around.

We are evolving as a species, even though the earth is 6,000 years old, and this is another step in our wacky evolution on a planet that will be around for much longer than we will be here….

So let's roll with it….

But, I am concerned for the future of some people's relationship's….

I hope I'm wrong.

Congratulations America, you grew up a little bit.

Stop Making Resolutions

We are popping into a new year, like we do every single year, and I clearly need to fill a few people in on a simple truth. 

Stop making New Year’s resolutions.

First off, no one really cares at all.  They couldn’t really give a shit if you are going to do this or not going to do that.  I promise that they will only care if you shut the hell up about your inane false promises and hopeless attempts at self-improvement(s).

 It’s like that chick who decides to quit smoking over and over and over again.  We get it, you think you care about your health, but you don’t.  You want to give up this horrible vice, but never will.  How about this for a change?  Just do it, shut the hell up about it, don’t tell anyone and wait for them to figure it out themselves.  You’ll be more like a damn folk hero than an empty promise dumb ass hoe that no one is going to listen to, or care about anyway.

Problem solved.

Or at least averted, I think. 

So, since the fall of a new year always seems to bear umpteen thousand “lists”, I’m going to do the opposite of a list, I am going to issue a challenge instead.  When someone starts spewing nonsense about a possible New Year’s resolution, call bullshit.  Explain why you are calling bullshit and when they try to rebut, tell them to shut the crap up because no one really cares anyway.  You just saved many other people from hearing a long damn line of BS, and also did the following:

• ·         Averted the violators attention away from their self-deception
• ·         Became a more honest person
• ·         Saved the world

Honestly, who doesn’t want to be responsible for any of that awesome stuff?  Everybody, that’s who.

Do yourself and others a favor by following this advice to a fault.  Sure you’re going to piss off a few people along the way, but, who gives a freak?  They’re stupid lying fools anyway.

Happy New Year.

And if you are  C-Lo Green – FUCK YOU! 

Great, in every sense of the world

Sources leaked: center of the universe revealed to be an extremely arrogant "White Hole".
A self professed expert in everything universal and the "supremest of all supremacy" - The center of the universe has a reflectful aura, quite literally, and as the only known "White Hole" in the universe, very little is known about it scientifically.

"All we know about this astronomical anomaly is that it is extremely reflective" says Dr. S Jedderwidjin, head of Astrological Studies, Cal San Bernadino. "The best we can say is, that instead of absorbing masses and light surrounding it, it's completely expelled".

The Center of the universe was not readily available for comment, however, did release this statement:

"Yep, that's me alright, reflecting light and whatnot around. You see, the universe itself is not as big as these puny scientists think, frankly it's rather small.  I'd say 3/4ths the size they speculate, that's what I find so humorous. I am so friggin' reflective, in fact, that the reflections of reflections within themselves seem to span for lightyears. Those aren't other solar systems that your looking at out there, it's just you, reflecting back at yourself about a bazillion times. One thing though, there's an end to it alright, an end that begins with me.  It all freaking begins and ends with me ... I'm the center of the damn universe!"


This is a loose translation however, this language is so complex that it sounds roughly like a Sara Brightman song, only with lyrics and musical notes that you would not understand.

It's clearly as though it exists on a different plane.

A baffled Dr. Jedderwidjin states: "We plan on learning as much as we can about this [White] Hole in due time, the only problem is that it's so difficult to work with." He adds - "We liken it to a cross between an inverted black hole, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson, only without the unpredictable violence".

Until we understand more about this Great White Astrological Hole, briefly known as the 'Great White A. Hole Expandus', we can just look to the stars and dream a hope - hope and dream of a greater understanding.

Mind your P's and Q's

They say that chicken breast is arguably the best protein from the animal kingdom and some argue that the egg is considered the "perfect" food.  If this is the case then why are chickens so damn stupid?  I have a theory to this. 

Any food animal, or FA, that is remotely delicious is lacking in smarts and intelligence and therefore must, by rule, be consumed by higher intelligence.  Ponder this: cows are stupid.  This statement should be followed by, 'and that is why they are delicious'. This can be interchanged with various beasts, tame or wild, feral or domestic, it does not matter stupid is as stupid does and stupid is G-D delicious (or GDD aka GD squared or GD2). 

So with the FA being GD2 let's explore some taboo animals, otherwise refered as T&A.  Land creatures such as bears, large cats, wolves and rhinoceros', just to name a few, are not GD2 for the simple reason that they can eat you or kill you with ease.  Sea creatures like sharks, whale, giant squid and deadly jelly fish also are not ever considered GD2 for the same reasons.  With an exception of the Eskimo and whale, but you can come to your own conclusion to that.  Also, animals that can eat you should not be eaten, period.  That is just tempting a chain reaction of biblical catastrophes of catastrophe, so don't do it EVER.

So to summarize: FA = GDD, GD2 and GD squared as to where T&A consumption should NEVER be tolerated or committed, unless you like to tempt the beast, then okay ... I'm not stopping you, just mind your FAT&A P's and Q's. 

Bad ass mofo

Yes indeed, dating back to my childhood I had a problem, that problem was the word pigeon. Well, pigeons the word pigeon and cows to be precise, but the main adversary being the word pigeon.  I would refer to pigeons by anything but their proper names: "shit birds" - "rats with feathers" - "urban hackey sack", literally anything but their proper name.  Not entirely for the disdain, sheer hatred or the like, but rather the fact I could not pronounce the word itself. Pigeon, simple enough, right? One would think. 

So, having avoided the word altogether my entire youth, save the occasions that my family would make me say it to 'eff with me and laugh,  the word would come out: "PINGEON".  Sound it out with me PINGE-UN, pretty impaired I must say.  Now, avoiding my word issue poses another perplexity, this very problem following me from the shadows of youth into adulthood.  Yes, up until the time I was twenty-five I continued to pronounce the word pigeon as pingeon.  Not until a Speech Therapy intervention did I kick the pingeon pronunciation for good.  However, the more I tried the worse it got, the more nervous I became the worse it got, the therapist made me recite vowels and sounds.  Hell, she even made me pronounce words with a button in my mouth.  But finally I kicked the pingeon, literally kicked the pingeon for good.

Fast forward untill today.  Minding my own business, driving down one of the many high-ways and by-ways of this fine land I spot it out of the corner of my eye, the periphery mind you, something.  Something indeed.  Now, having just left a two hour defensive driving training I came very well prepared for such an occurance.  "I got this", I think to myself, having just learned that all one needs to know on tackling such a daunting task. I learned today that turning your head 12 degrees one can gain full sight of an object to the side, therefore, I naturally swivel my head an entire 90 degrees with cat like reflexes.  This "something" or other being none other than, yes, a pingeon flying directly towards my opened window at 70mph.  How do I deal with such a conundrum? Do I reflect back on my recent defensive driving lessons? Do I pull knowledge from the archives of my drivers education classes from high-school?  Do I allow said bird fly amok inside of my ride? No, no and no.  I go full on ninja style kung fu and punch that shit-bird with a piggy hi-yah in mid flight permanently altering its path towards the open window, resulting in what one may call an epiphany of badassery, otherwise known as a feather explosion.  All the while keeping to my intended route unscathed, with feathers hugging the aerodynamics of German engineering I continue on my way.  Crisis averted and none worse the wear, this situation resulted in something I already know, I am one bad ass mofo, a bad ass ninja-kung fu mofo.