Mind your P's and Q's

They say that chicken breast is arguably the best protein from the animal kingdom and some argue that the egg is considered the "perfect" food.  If this is the case then why are chickens so damn stupid?  I have a theory to this. 

Any food animal, or FA, that is remotely delicious is lacking in smarts and intelligence and therefore must, by rule, be consumed by higher intelligence.  Ponder this: cows are stupid.  This statement should be followed by, 'and that is why they are delicious'. This can be interchanged with various beasts, tame or wild, feral or domestic, it does not matter stupid is as stupid does and stupid is G-D delicious (or GDD aka GD squared or GD2). 

So with the FA being GD2 let's explore some taboo animals, otherwise refered as T&A.  Land creatures such as bears, large cats, wolves and rhinoceros', just to name a few, are not GD2 for the simple reason that they can eat you or kill you with ease.  Sea creatures like sharks, whale, giant squid and deadly jelly fish also are not ever considered GD2 for the same reasons.  With an exception of the Eskimo and whale, but you can come to your own conclusion to that.  Also, animals that can eat you should not be eaten, period.  That is just tempting a chain reaction of biblical catastrophes of catastrophe, so don't do it EVER.

So to summarize: FA = GDD, GD2 and GD squared as to where T&A consumption should NEVER be tolerated or committed, unless you like to tempt the beast, then okay ... I'm not stopping you, just mind your FAT&A P's and Q's. 

Bad ass mofo

Yes indeed, dating back to my childhood I had a problem, that problem was the word pigeon. Well, pigeons the word pigeon and cows to be precise, but the main adversary being the word pigeon.  I would refer to pigeons by anything but their proper names: "shit birds" - "rats with feathers" - "urban hackey sack", literally anything but their proper name.  Not entirely for the disdain, sheer hatred or the like, but rather the fact I could not pronounce the word itself. Pigeon, simple enough, right? One would think. 

So, having avoided the word altogether my entire youth, save the occasions that my family would make me say it to 'eff with me and laugh,  the word would come out: "PINGEON".  Sound it out with me PINGE-UN, pretty impaired I must say.  Now, avoiding my word issue poses another perplexity, this very problem following me from the shadows of youth into adulthood.  Yes, up until the time I was twenty-five I continued to pronounce the word pigeon as pingeon.  Not until a Speech Therapy intervention did I kick the pingeon pronunciation for good.  However, the more I tried the worse it got, the more nervous I became the worse it got, the therapist made me recite vowels and sounds.  Hell, she even made me pronounce words with a button in my mouth.  But finally I kicked the pingeon, literally kicked the pingeon for good.

Fast forward untill today.  Minding my own business, driving down one of the many high-ways and by-ways of this fine land I spot it out of the corner of my eye, the periphery mind you, something.  Something indeed.  Now, having just left a two hour defensive driving training I came very well prepared for such an occurance.  "I got this", I think to myself, having just learned that all one needs to know on tackling such a daunting task. I learned today that turning your head 12 degrees one can gain full sight of an object to the side, therefore, I naturally swivel my head an entire 90 degrees with cat like reflexes.  This "something" or other being none other than, yes, a pingeon flying directly towards my opened window at 70mph.  How do I deal with such a conundrum? Do I reflect back on my recent defensive driving lessons? Do I pull knowledge from the archives of my drivers education classes from high-school?  Do I allow said bird fly amok inside of my ride? No, no and no.  I go full on ninja style kung fu and punch that shit-bird with a piggy hi-yah in mid flight permanently altering its path towards the open window, resulting in what one may call an epiphany of badassery, otherwise known as a feather explosion.  All the while keeping to my intended route unscathed, with feathers hugging the aerodynamics of German engineering I continue on my way.  Crisis averted and none worse the wear, this situation resulted in something I already know, I am one bad ass mofo, a bad ass ninja-kung fu mofo. 

Eat says I?

"Eat" she says to me looking down, the sun silhouettes behind her as the dust settles to the ground around me.  Flavorless landscape surrounds us like the ashen affect of death itself staring, waiting, hoping for its end.  Eat? Not withstanding the fact that it is the luxury of the day, forever forgetting the truth of the situation put before us so unforgivingly wrought in malleable morsels.  Arid, barren, endlessly lost, I tip my hat, wipe my chin and put an end to it all.  I eat.    

Fooseballs seasons

Well it's that time of year once again, the end of July. Festivals, city days, carnivals, the circus, rodeo, state fairs and yes, pre season college football.  A lot like a carnival in the way of, "bring on the absurd predictions" - Aka, how can I sell a paper or generate traffic to my site while making crazy statements by predicting the future? (another way of saying, "where can I find an article to help me feel better about last years shitty season").  Similar to the "city day festival" by reliving the past including expired success or tradition, not limited to the time that ol' whats-his-name used to coach or play here or insert mayors name hither ________.  And finally the circus, rodeo and carnivals, ah yes, let us not forget the circus, rodeo and carnivals.

Year after year on various social networks, message-boards and local sports talk we hear and see posts and reposts on various links to the above mentioned instances, including opinions, commentary and the utter anticipation for the upcoming season.  Like children snooping out this years Christmas present the interweb is scoured and read, leaving no virtual-stone unturned, finding little morsels of information surely to become exaggerated and retold.  Did you hear about the new recruit? I see that player x is predicted to have an uber-thousand yard whatever this year! Becomes the vernacular of the day, regardless of the fact that "I really don't know what I am talking about" in the process.  Well at least you are talking, right?

Next comes the actual season itself.  Yes! The for real football season is here! The slate is wiped clean and we all have great expectations for what is to come.  But first, how was your summer? Where did you sit in the stadium for the u2 concert last spring? Gawd its hot for this time of year, you know the important small talk that makes the stadium so great.  Former frat dudes high fiving and bumping chests, singing the fight songs in unison, eating crummy ass food that is bad for you, watching the pregame drills, listening to the band butcher another pop song, the pagentry is too much to bear.  It is finally all here and we are ready, so let it begin!  Just don't talk about it mid-season if it all goes bad, unless you think the coach should be fired or the backup quarterback should start instead because that's what fans do, make it sound Like they can do a better job than the institution.  So bring it on College football - the circus, carnival and rodeo that you are, get here soon, because the internet and local talk radio will explode without you.

Magic portals to food

What can I say, my dog thinks I am a magician.  I open a door and there is food, I open another and there is light and more food, I leave for work and appear back home, I go outside for a minute and I'm gone as long as I was at work.  So there you have it, I am a wizard with special access to magic portals of food, doorways to different dimensions and a time traveller to boot.  Go ahead and ask him, I'm amazing.  I can only wonder what is going on in that little mind of his as I dazzle and amaze with my newly found talents.  Just the other day for example I took him to school with me, as he watched a classmate of mine and I play a game he states: "that is totally barbaric".  I reminded him, "that's wizards chess", as my bishop knocks the head off a pawn.  So tonight, I don't know, maybe keep it simple with a little wet food mixed with kibble and who knows, perhaps I will let him lick my feet..... But, sleep well little sugar plum, for tomorrow is a new day, and grand adventures await.

Rage

So I have been reading these Rage Comics lately and I find them rather humorous.  I stumbled upon them whilst watching Batman Begins and have been reading them nearly every day since.  How I ran across them watching a movie is simple: Comic Book movie means there has to be a comic book app just filled with dark, old comics, or hell, even funny new comics.  In the "there's an app for that" generation I figured I could find a comic book reader chock full of comic book goodness.  This was not the case.  I did however, find an app for these Rage Comics and found myself kind of hooked.  The premise behind these short little monstrosities are simple: true life stories + happenings + fake life stories or whatever anyone wants to write equals a Rage Comic.  What I mean by "anyone wants to write" I mean anyone; and what is meant by Rage Comic is that they have to be a "rage" on something or about someone.  Any yoo-hoo with an idea, a keyboard, cut/paste and an itchy, clicky mouse finger can pen and post a Rage Comic. 

Now, I do not profess to being an expert in these comics, or the subculture they belong to, but I can say how damn funny they are.  Wherever they originated from is a mystery, don't think that I am going to be calling Fred and Daphnie to solve this though cuz I just don't care, but I must say they are a thing of genius.  They belong to an online society called "Redditors", peeps who frequent reddit.com forums.  Redditors, to me, seem like online Juggalo's in a sense.  Meaning I will never become a Redditor for the plain sake of principle, that principle being #1 you do not have to belong to something to belong and #2 well hell, you find a reason.  By Juggalo's I mean just that, freaking JUGGALO'S.  They act like a family, whoop-whoop is replaced with derp, barbecues are replaced by meet-ups and the masochistic hatred for each other is reserved for one another in the family.  It's social media meets ICP meets message boards meets Facebook.  Instead of liking you get upvotes which means yes, downvotes.  According to the comics Redditors spend hours on there, hate their bitch girlfriends, fap a lot, work retail, are young and old, live with their parents and hate outsiders.  Yep, freaking online Juggalo's, whoop-whoop bitches.

I don't have anger management issues

I can't say that I have anger management issues or that I have a short tolerance for certain situations, well, perhaps the latter of the two may be true.  Now, finding something funny, obnoxious, annoying, or otherwise out of the ordinary is normal, it is how we react to them that causes stir.  I myself just don't give a crap.  Some may find this statement arrogant or a-holish, but hear me out on this (yes, I make up words .. so get used to it).

I am not sure when or where the 'stupid gene' entered the human genome but it did.  I am not sure why it infects so many, but again, it does.  For example: if you are making a right turn in a car don't just sit there, turn right, simple enough? If you do sit there I may just give a courtesy honk prompting you on your way.  Sit there longer in spite the fact that I reminded you of your task, I may retap said horn, this is of course out of courtesy to move you on your way.  Stick your head out of your window to look back or, bless your heart, say anything about your own stupidity, I will yell at you to stick your head back in the window and go before I come up and punch you through your window. Yell anything back and I will open up my door, walk up to your car and punch you I'm the face, no other questions asked. 

I use this example freely because it actually did happen, but the driver did commence once I opened my door.  Some may say I have impulsivity problems, no tact or anger management issues, all not entirely true.  I just say what I think and whatever happens happens.  This does not make it impulsive because I know there are possible ramifications and consequences.  It is not tactless because, well, it required tact.  And finally anger management? Naw, I am not angry, I am just a bad ass mofo.