Theory of a Straight Man

The Supreme Court just ruled in favor of same sex marriage, making it a right for all - possibly the most controversial and impactful rulings of a generation. Love is love, right? I say yes. Who is to say who can get married to whom? Not I, and now, not our legal system.. Kudos USA.

Here's my quandary.

People like to belong to a cause, it gives them purpose. What better cause than same sex marriage for the LGBT community. Makes sense, right? Of course it does.

That cause is officially gone, hopefully forever - but that raises a thought…. And…….

My question is:

How many gays and lesbians actually 'want' to get married and how many partners say they 'want' to get married to be a part of the cause?

My theory is not all want to be married and the cause is now officially gone.

There may be a chance that this ruling is detrimental to many relationships by the simple fact that not everyone in a relationship wants to get married. This doubles itself to the many marriages that may happen out of impulse, this is America after all, the land of impulsiveness.

OK.

#1 quandary: how many relationships will now officially end because they were married to the idea of being married, but one partner may not actually want to be or get married in the first place? We all have used the bullshit excuse of: "I'd like to do that, but we can't" because of any myriad of reasons. Rules, laws, cost, impracticality…. These 'cop outs' get us out of a jam with our partners and friends… that protection is no longer there. People who really don't want to be married in the first place will be officially exposed, creating some potentially awkward or difficult situations.

Uh oh.

Perhaps a mass break up, or annulments are bleakly inherent in the future.

#2 quandary: impulsive marriages. This is the one that conservative talk show hosts are going to be keeping their eye on. They'll be quoting statistics and dragging the bottom for proof that they were right all along about traditional marriage being between a man and a woman. I'm not spinning this as a conservative or liberal thing, since I am neither, but…….

What is traditional marriage? Marriage is much different now than it was in the 50's, let alone to when Jesus or Moses were wondering around.

We are evolving as a species, even though the earth is 6,000 years old, and this is another step in our wacky evolution on a planet that will be around for much longer than we will be here….

So let's roll with it….

But, I am concerned for the future of some people's relationship's….

I hope I'm wrong.

Congratulations America, you grew up a little bit.

Stop Making Resolutions

We are popping into a new year, like we do every single year, and I clearly need to fill a few people in on a simple truth. 

Stop making New Year’s resolutions.

First off, no one really cares at all.  They couldn’t really give a shit if you are going to do this or not going to do that.  I promise that they will only care if you shut the hell up about your inane false promises and hopeless attempts at self-improvement(s).

 It’s like that chick who decides to quit smoking over and over and over again.  We get it, you think you care about your health, but you don’t.  You want to give up this horrible vice, but never will.  How about this for a change?  Just do it, shut the hell up about it, don’t tell anyone and wait for them to figure it out themselves.  You’ll be more like a damn folk hero than an empty promise dumb ass hoe that no one is going to listen to, or care about anyway.

Problem solved.

Or at least averted, I think. 

So, since the fall of a new year always seems to bear umpteen thousand “lists”, I’m going to do the opposite of a list, I am going to issue a challenge instead.  When someone starts spewing nonsense about a possible New Year’s resolution, call bullshit.  Explain why you are calling bullshit and when they try to rebut, tell them to shut the crap up because no one really cares anyway.  You just saved many other people from hearing a long damn line of BS, and also did the following:

• ·         Averted the violators attention away from their self-deception
• ·         Became a more honest person
• ·         Saved the world

Honestly, who doesn’t want to be responsible for any of that awesome stuff?  Everybody, that’s who.

Do yourself and others a favor by following this advice to a fault.  Sure you’re going to piss off a few people along the way, but, who gives a freak?  They’re stupid lying fools anyway.

Happy New Year.

And if you are  C-Lo Green – FUCK YOU! 

Multiverse or Multi-Versed?

My dog barks at nothing.  Sure there are sounds abound and shadows along with other visuals that we share, but there is also something else.  What is that something else? I would like to know.

Or would I?

I recently had a conversation about the multi-verse theory.  The thought where multiple universes and dimensions exist all jumbled up together, layered upon each other.

My thought is, that we are never in the past or future, so what is before and after now? - and yes, the cat is dead.

Getting back to my furry little bundle of joy.  We have filters, dogs do not.  We are told what is real and what is not, ignore the rest and life is good.  There are no ghosts, only holy ghosts. Your eyes are only playing tricks on you, things don't just happen and they don't just not happen.

My dog sees into the multi-verse.

He has no concept of time, therefore, no filters.

Then again, he sniffs butts, licks himself and shows dominance by humping shit in a nonsexual  manner, so what the hell does he know anyhow?

Apparently a lot more than I.

Knowing this

I see you,
Hiding behind your self deception.
Using it as a shroud of what is right and what is  just.

I see you,
Growing fatter
Expanding and bloating,
filling and gloating
Unwell.
Soon enough to pop

I see you,
Spiteful and catty
Grimy and filthy
Kissing the asses of asses themselves

I judge you
As you judge me
With only one difference
I'll tell it to your face

So eat your shit
Spoon it down.
Preach your shit
Write it down
Yell it out or whisper it in corners
knowing this,
Your Jesus would be ashamed

My Jesus can beat up your Jesus can beat up Evolution.

A guy asked me the other day: "have you found Jesus?"

I respond to him: "Why? Is he lost?"

Which got me to thinking.  If you were to put every Jesus together in a winner takes all fight, who would win?

Would it be white and tall Jesus, pre-existent Jesus, Hebrew Jesus, perhaps Jesus Christo?  There are so many incarnations of Jesus, what he looks like, who he is and what he stands for that a question on finding him is truly unanswerable.

Therefore, I propose, the only true answer to that question: put them all together and let them fight it out.

He who cast the first stone, right?  Well, maybe. 

This would perhaps be the highlander of the Jesi - and, another probability on the second coming being so damned delayed is that the battle exists at this given time and - there can be only one.

Only problem - Jesus is reinvented quite frequently, and is evolving at a very rapid rate, therefore, a new battle contestant is entered into the royal rumble fairly often. 

Whoa there! 

Did I just say that Jesus evolves?

Uh, yeah ... I did.

The evolution of Jesus - It kind of goes against all Christian teachings and single track-mindedness.  Nothing evolves after all, NOTHING!

Not Darwin's finches, not mankind, not the earth, and surely enough, not Jesus. 

Okay then, how about you look at a portrait of his likeness over the centuries and - hmm.

Thus said, in his 33 years of not being a zombie could his appearance have changed so much, his teachings been altered or made up over and over again on top of getting plastic surgery, skin pigmentation therapy, haircuts, beard trims and grow several inches.

Either Jesus is a Highlander or Michael Jackson -  which finishes with 2 thoughts.

1:  If Michael Jackson comes back to life, be afraid; and,

2: There can only be one.

Infirmary de musicá.

Music is sick. 

Sure there are little gems of bands out there, and some I do rather enjoy, but the entire landscape is a mess. 

Enter iTunes.

A la carte has confused all genre and nobody really knows what they like anymore.  Back in the day, let's say the 80's, it was obvious by ones style, what kind of music someone was into -or- if someone was to ask you "what kind of music do you listen to?"

How would you answer?

Be honest, were you a rocker or a waver? Did you like country, heavy metal, punk, top 40?

There was no confusing those lines. 

Enter 2012 and what kind of music do you listen to?

Now how would you answer?

Music is sick, Hipsters make it worse, all genres are top 40, punk is dead, metal is pussy, and there are so many sub-genres it could make you want to scream.

Listen, if you want to be different, then by all means, be different.  But don't make something up to sound different just to be the same .... That's not different, it's just stupid.

Folk music on alternative playlists, country on pop, punk on top 40, rap in metal and too many crossovers.

Music is sick - and it is sick because it has no identity.

Life in Stereo

So I am sitting in a fast food restaurant with a buddy of mine, basically making fun of anything that walks in, around or near our field of vision - now, he and I have a thing, not for each other mind you, god this is not that kind of story .. anyway, we have a thing, 'do not make eye contact with unsavory types and unsavory types won't mess with you' ...

It kinda works.

Really -

Except for this instance.

A couple of gang banging bros walk into the place, all hard and shit. A bandana is pulled down over the top half of ones eyes, baggy pants, denim jackets ... you know the drill - well, they POP the double doors open with authority and start checking the place out - sizing it up I guess.

So enters our 'thing'.

Unfortunately, I panic.  Not quite sure what to do I look directly at them. What can I say? I fucking panicked - not just a look though, enough to draw attention to myself - oh god, I think - this is where I die.

Well homie number one and homie number two lock eyes with me and abruptly start walking towards me - on a mission .... I swallow, and take what may be my last breath.

Homie number one, hand in pocket, with the other on his belt with his thumb in his pants, starts talking while quickly pulling his hand out of his pocket to point at me like a handgun held sideways.

"Do you drive a white PT Cruiser?" he says with menacing body language.

"Uh, no?" Says I reluctantly.

"Oh man," he says, truly bummed he continues, "That's okay I guess, there is just one in the parking lot with its lights on, I mean ... I would hate it if someone were to get back to their car and the battery is dead - I know people don't stay in here for long but you never know."

And they walked on to the next table.

What the fuck?

I guess we don't die today.